Roy and HG have stirred up a hornets nest by quitting the ABC. When asked where they were headed, Roy Said “commercial radio, right HG?” and HG replied “Yes mmm – that’s right – Triple M” and the (Dapto) dogs have been barking ever since. Fans are in uproar and the ABC like a failed parent is wringing its hands and “…wondering where it went wrong”

For mine this raises three main issues. Firstly there is the question of this repeated plundering of the ABC’s talent shed; secondly, the notion that things belong to the fans and finally “…just how in the bloody hell can we replace them?”

Ok so Triple J and thus the ABC is ‘Myffed’ yet again. Here are two blokes that they gave a chance to over three decades ago and they have turned around and bitten the proverbial hand that feeds them. Three decades? Most kids leave home before their 21st. Well der! ABC; this is what happens when you run a breeding program. Rustlers come along and steal bits of your herd. If you’re lucky they might just leave some money on the fridge.

Protection for the ABC is warranted and it may come in two forms. Either they can borrow from the sports world and ask for a ‘Salary cap’ system so that equality is forced across the board and thus the ‘weaker teams’ are propped up in the league. The alternative relief though, may come with the ABC setting up its own management artists sector. In this case they would then sign everybody to the ABC so that if the act is subsequently poached by a commercial network then they ABC can still receive 20% of the new fee. This is turn is poured back into the coffers and used as bait for finding new talent.

And whole we’re looking at it lets not excuse the ABC a ‘yellow card’ when it comes to poaching. A significant number of on screen/air personnel these days have been recruited from the ranks of live comedy, particularly stand-up and yet I don’t see anyone putting money into that scene, including the ABC. (Of course I acknowledge the time and money they put into RAW Comedy but that means ‘jack’ to your working comedian.) No, live comedy runs on the money put up by the punters who often find their favourites have been whisked away to electronic palaces and are seldom seen again.

Here’s where the fans’ sense of ownership of “their” performers comes in. I mention fans here as distinct from supporters. There is a difference and it was plain to see when I plugged into some of the blogs abounding on this matter. In the main the fans, although not all that ‘gruntled’ about the move, offer their support whilst the supporters seemed to be withdrawing theirs. “Thanks guys after I supported you for so long you go ahead and do this to me. I WILL NOT LISTEN TO COMMERCIAL RADIO!”

That aint support. You listen or watch your favourites because they entertain you, thus giving you something in return for your listening. And let’s face it, often it is more creative than your listening. Therefore in such circumstances your primary activity is being entertained rather than supporting the entertainer. In fact I would go as far as to say if you are ‘supporting’ someone who is not entertaining you then they are a bludger and you are enabling them. Nevertheless the bottom line is you can either follow them or not.

Finally we get to the question of succession (the subject my editor wanted me to focus on in the first place but I got side-tracked) and the subsequent process thereof. Some years ago I read that the Tibetans found their new Dalai Lama by using a process whereby his body was put in a room and which ever way the head would turn became the direction that his emissaries would seek the newborn Dalai Lama. I doubt this method will be used (although a wonderful story for magazines like TV Week et al) and nor will there be a Cinderella like campaign to find the foot that fits the glass slipper. Most likely the powers that be will turn again to the live comedy circuit.

This has been successful hunting ground for over 20 years in radio, particularly since the advent of FM – that’s right kids, it aint always been around. Stand-up comedian Richard Stubbs was the king of the live comedy circuit when he was drafted to breakfast radio and still thrives now on the ABC. In fact a quick roll call around the country sees that this is the rule more than the exception. Brisbane radio has Greg Sullivan and Michelle Laurie; Sydney had Peter Berner and Marty Sheargold; Melbourne had Tom Gleeson, Dave Hughes, Dave O’Neill (who learnt radio on Melbourne’s Radio Triple R next to Kate Langbroek) and a host of others like Pete Hellier. Adelaide coughed up Lehmo and Jodie J Hill and Perth has had a virtual revolving door of local stand-ups trying out over the years. All of these people cut their teeth as stand-ups. And there are many more ready to stick their finger in their ear and say “Coming up in the next hour…” and “We’d like to hear from listeners who have…?”

No doubt the search is on as I write (although I don’t expect a call – I might tell you about my radio experiences another time) and drawers cluttered with tapes sent to networks by prospective candidates will be jimmied open. At night at stand-up gigs strange guys in suits will lurk up the back nursing a Campari and rosewater but they wont be laughing. No they will be too busy making clandestine recordings on their blackberries and PA’s as they count the number of Laughs per minute the comedians can elicit.

Cruelly only one or two can be chosen. It is likely that it could be a duo or other sized outfit rather than single as radio thrives on twos and threes, even if one of them is only there to keep laughing at the other two. Oh they will long for another Hamish & Andy as radio has tried many times to put folk together with only slightly more success than the ‘In Captivity Panda Breeding Program.’ They also might look at the following categories: People from Reality TV shows; Popular young and hip actors; maybe even a couple of miners that survived a disaster – anybody already in the public eye as this could save a lot of marketing money!

To the budding prodigal progeny I wish you luck. Nobody can replace Roy & HG and anyone trying to replicate their act would have to be long on bravado and short on brains. No, they are gone to take on the titans, Hamish & Andy (who weren’t stand-ups when they made their splash) which again costs us all as we can’t listen to these equally fine acts simultaneously. It should prove interesting.